Day 149

My birthday vouchers from 2019 have been burning a hole in my wallet, so I invested in a new fitted sheet for our bed. I know, super exciting purchase! I ordered a second one last week, but somehow managed to click on king size (I haven’t slept in a king sized bed for over a year #memorylapse) and so I promptly returned it to my nearest store.

Fast forward a few days and today I receive a refund in the post, in the form of shiny new voucher. Eagerly I go online and search all the available colours…settling on exactly the same as my first. I check it is definitely for a double bed and click.

However, seconds after pressing confirm, I realise I ordered the wrong depth. FFS.

After several unsuccessful attempts to participate in an “online chat” about my order, I am finally in touch with a “chat bot” (sounds a little sex doll to me) who cannot actually help, advising me to wait 2-4 minutes for an advisor. I wait and wait and nothing happens. I try to refresh the conversation but nothing happens. To rub salt (tequila and lemon) in the wound, I receive a text asking me to respond to the chat. I pick up the phone and stare at it, screaming “No one is there, I have nothing to bloody respond to!!” I give up and ring a helpline number.

This seems equally as fruitless.

An automated voice informs me that I will be on hold for at least 14 minutes.

38 mins, 1 Magnum Classic and 1 bottle of water later, I am still on hold. And they are playing Harry Styles (ugh) Adore You on repeat. I have gone through all the stages of grief: denial that it can’t be the ONLY song they have; anger because I cannot bear it any longer; bargaining with the shopping Gods that I won’t buy anything else if they just let someone answer my call; depression over the terrible lyrics and grating melodies; and finally, acceptance that this is my lot.

It is my version of Groundhog Day.

Nevertheless (what a great word!) I get through to a lovely lady after 53 minutes and I order the correct depth, colour and size HURRAH! Unfortunately I have to pay for it with actual money, because my order has already been processed (if they had answered the phone an hour ago, no order would have yet been processed. I’m just saying).

So tomorrow I will receive 2 orders from the friendly Hermes delivery man, one of which will be returned ASAP so that I can have yet another voucher in my wallet.

Sigh.

*****

Other than the riveting tale of my bedding drama, there is nothing much else to report…

It is another hot week, so the other day I finished work and drove straight to our local mill pool. Just parking and walking for 5 minutes in the heat made me sweat, so I had a quick dip before my friend turned up. Little minnows wriggled past and iridescent damsel flies landed on lily pads next to me. I felt like an Edwardian servant illicitly bathing in the pools of a fancy mansion.

Despite the other swimmers and sunbathers, it was very peaceful, and everyone remained in their groups and respected each other’s space. Apart from when I screamed “what the f@ck is that?!”, threw my towel across the field and some teenagers had to rescue me from a REALLY big caterpillar (I could have sworn it was a snake). The poor kids also got an eyeful of my unsupported cleavage #halterneckswimwear.

My mate arrived and set her towel next to mine, at a safe distance of course, and we made our way down the slippery, muddy banks in the most graceful fashion we could i.e. not very. We soaked in the pool for about half an hour, chatting and floating, and doing very little exercise. But I still came home feeling refreshed from the cold water and having breathed in some fresh air.

The creepy crawly fright probably ramped up my heartbeat a fair bit too – nothing like a bit of adrenaline to give you a boost!

The following day was a bit of a disaster. I had to change my laptop password, so popped into my local HealthCare Centre to plug into their network. I was fully masked and had hand gel on tap, and trudged up two flights of stairs to the “open space”, feeling rather sticky and flustered. Even more so, when I rattled the handle and realised it was locked. I was not thrilled at the prospect of going to another venue, but was luckily escorted to an office. Needless to say, I was a little nervous about being around other people, but there were not many staff and I had a bag of antibacterial wipes at the ready!

I managed to change one of my passwords, but the other was very stubborn, so eventually I gave up and sanitised my surrounding area and objects and started to disconnect the plugs. Unfortunately the network cable would not shift – I pulled it, pressed it, broke a biro lid in it and ten minutes later I was prepared to live in the hospital and have friends deliver me fresh clothes and my toothbrush. My last attempt involved scissors and some brute force, but I was finally free!

*****

So that’s me – another “exciting” lockdown “adventure” – but I lived to tell the tale.  It’s probably the quantities of gin and chocolate that I consume that get me through, but everyone has a coping mechanism.

Right?