Day 131

I am in danger of becoming a recluse.

I quite enjoy my own space and not having to commit to things or worry about anyone else. I go about my day in my own time and I choose whether or not to brush my hair/wear a bra/eat pizza for breakfast (sometimes all three) and I am surrounded by peace, calm and the sound of the odd clip-clop of hooves or whir of bicycle wheels through my open window.

I move my laptop from the dining room to the sofa, and sometimes into the courtyard if it’s sunny enough. I eat when I want and I can enjoy a cooked lunch, or pick fresh salad leaves from my greenhouse. During my lunchbreak I take a walk or do some washing up, I might even have a shower. I can achieve everything I need to and anything I would normally do in an office. I just don’t have to commute.

I am gaining 1 and half hours every day.

When it comes to physical human contact, fortunately I do not live on my own, so I have cuddles and conversation on-hand every evening. Virtually, my team “meets” regularly and we sometimes have hilarious, gin-infused quiz nights. My parents use various platforms to make video calls and my friends and I send messages or silly videos and photos most days.

If I want to, I can sit safely in a pub garden to enjoy a cold cider, raising my glass to “cheers” at a safe distance. I don’t particularly miss shopping and anything I need can be purchased online or in our local Co-op or farm shop. Exercise and fresh air are on my doorstep.

I am living the dream.

Or am I?

I could quite happily bob along for the rest of my life this way, but I am not sure this is a particularly healthy outlook. Humans are social beings and it is good for our souls and minds to leave our dwellings and interact with others.

How long would I genuinely be happy for, if I were to seclude myself on the farm, seeing only a handful of neighbours and some passers-by? I would shop locally, take my walks in nature and continue to travel to Cornwall fortnightly to see my step-daughter. I could enjoy the odd socially distanced meet-up outside and on a rainy day I might catch up on my Netflix shows.

It seems idyllic to me!

But what of my mental health? Although it is great to feel relaxed and not have too much put on my plate (literally and figuratively!) do I need an element of “stress” to motivate me? Would I fester in my unicorn nightie and unwashed hair if I didn’t need to go out – or would I be able to self-motivate?  I fear that one day I would not be able to step out of my front door and face the world.

I have always been very social and do gain energy from being with people, but I can’t deny that it is almost a relief to have my own space and work and live remotely.

I feel terrible, because I know there are people struggling every day. They are lonely and sad and it must be awful. Peoples’ mental health has declined because of the lockdown and I can only imagine how hard it must be for those who are not to be able to look after an elderly relative or hold the hand of a parent or grandchild.

I am SO lucky, because I have only gained positive things from this terrible pandemic and for this I am truly grateful. Too many people have lost their lives and many families will be mourning one or more of their loved ones.

I am privileged to have the choice to take positives from the horrific events of this year.

Yes, I do miss sitting on the same sofa as my friends. I miss being able to hug my parents. I miss the days when I could walk into someone’s house and not worry about bringing in a potentially deadly virus. I feel much safer wearing a mask in public places, but I miss sharing a smile with someone. Lately, I have realised how much I use this somewhat instinctual facial movement at every opportunity, as a “hello” or even a “thank you”. It is so hard to read people when half of their face is covered and that is something I have struggled with over the past few days.

But I am not in a rush to “get back normal” because I didn’t relish society’s version of “normal” anyway.

So please don’t take offence if I don’t come and meet you – I am still nervous about being in an enclosed space with other people. Please do not think I am lazy if I decline an invitation – I do my best to spend time with those I care about, I just can’t deal with more than one thing at a time, it exhausts me and impacts on my energy levels for days after.

I think about people all the time.

It’s just that I have to slip back into “reality” one step at a time. I know there is no real substitute for a cuddle, or a face-to-face chat when someone is feeling down. I forget that sometimes, locked away in my safe little bubble.

One day I will be ready for the world, but in my own way and in my own time.