Day 31

I am open about my mental health. It has, in part, made me who I am today.

I have good days and bad days – mostly good – but there have been times when I have really struggled. It can come out of nowhere, like a sudden grey cloud hanging 1 metre above my head. I can feel sad, low, sensitive or just neutral. I find it hard to cope with everyday situations or issues.

Right now I think I am coping pretty well. I have anxious days, but I think that is relatively “normal” in this current climate. Most days I am motivated to get up and turn on my laptop, stick to a schedule and then switch off my work mobile phone and enjoy my evening. And some days I get up 10 minutes before I should be “in the office” and I don’t wear a bra.

Today is Saturday and I don’t have a schedule. The sky is a little dismal and I fear this could be a “down day”, nonetheless, I don my trainers and scrape my hair back in preparation for a brisk walk, knowing I will feel so much better afterwards. I leave Darren gently snoring, cocooned in the duvet, and sneak outside. And it starts to rain.

Sod it, my hair needs a wash anyway.

Off I trot, no one else in sight, and I find I can pick up the pace fairly easily – styling out a jog-walk-stretch routine.   I can smell the damp in the air, almost musty, and there is no other sound than the raindrops hitting the trees and the scrunch of my trainers as they hit the gravel. I get a song suck in my head and although annoying, it helps me to focus and keep my steps in a rhythm.

I pause to take a breath at the memorial ground, but instead of turning around and heading home, I jog through the gate and keep going. I am under no impression that I am fit – but I am definitely fit-ter than I was a month ago. This spurs me on further, and I manage to jog for about 100 yards.

Then all of a sudden, an unsurmountable fear surges through my shoulders, up my neck and into my brain. Nobody knows I am here – I am on this trailway alone and without a phone – someone could attack me and no one would ever know.   And there is literally nothing I can use as a weapon, bar some leafy ferns and a couple of small rocks.

I hastily head home and realise I have been gone for 45 minutes, which isn’t bad at all. I feel energised and motivated, and after dousing myself in a variety of essential oils (lavender for calming; marjoram for my aches and pains; and grapefruit with lemon for vibrancy) in the shower, I am ready for the day. Once I wake Darren up.

There will be good and bad days, slow and fast, high and low – sometimes a mix of all of these – but that’s OK.