Day 13
I have a major bout of anxiety at about 4am this morning. I wake for no known reason and as soon as I shut my eyes to rest again, my brain decides to switch itself to “on” mode. Panic sears through my body and the “what if” monster rears its ugly head, tapping on my shoulder and whispering into my ear:
- What if I catch the virus and it triggers my asthma and I have to go on a ventilator in hospital and then it might not work and I could actually die (the monster does not like to use punctuation or appropriate pauses)
- What if there aren’t enough ventilators for me to even have one
- What if I do make it, but then I have a panic attack due to being so anxious at hospital because no one can visit me
- What if I don’t even make it to the hospital….?
I sternly tell the monster to “back the f@ck off”, reminding it of the social distancing rules, and turn on to my side. Darren lies still next me. Oh God, what if something happens to him, I just couldn’t bear it. Or God forbid, Charlotte, or our parents. This escalates further to worries about our friends and family and I feel my heart speed up and heaviness in my chest that causes me to gasp and sit upright, fighting for air. I think about waking Darren, but am determined to fight this, putting myself in the moment and concentrating on what I can hear, see, smell, taste and touch.
Slightly calmer, but with nothing really to listen to or taste at this time of day, I grab my ipad and find a meditation podcast to distract me. Clive Owens is soothing me with a maritime tale, but every so often I miss a section due to Darren’s intermittent snoring. I turn up the volume but it takes away from the peaceful vibe, so I pull the tablet towards me and hug it tight, concentrating on the rhythm of Clive’s speech.
*****
At a more reasonable hour, I crawl out of bed and find comfort on the sofa, resting my laptop on a cushion. This is not a day for hair-brushing and getting dressed, but it turns out to be a productive morning work-wise and I tick off many actions on my to-do-list. Meanwhile, Darren spends 3 hours on hold to the bank to discuss a potential payment holiday (the joys of being self-employed).
If we did not have loans and credit cards, as well as a car payment, we could probably survive, but it is what it is. I can only be thankful that we have a roof over our heads, food and a means of contacting the people we love and miss.
And Netflix. And Sky. And also I have a free months trial of Amazon Prime. Seriously, how did we survive before all this entertainment was available. Can you imagine if this was happening 20 years ago?
“Dad, can I use the internet?” I ask, unplugging the network cable from his computer.
“No” he shouts up the stairs, “I need to make a phone call”
Cue teenage eye roll.
My mobile phone (hardly mobile, it was the size of a Cadbury sharing bar) (oh man, I could totally go for some chocolate right now) and would only type 1 line at a time. The £10 credit would only last a few days, especially if I used it to actually make a call!
All jokes aside, we really are lucky and I feel relatively safe in our home. We have everything we need and are trying to keep as healthy as we can. I do feel for those who are less fortunate, be it stuck in a flat without access to open space, or struggling to entertain and keep safe their precious children. And there are those who cannot get away from their violent or controlling partners, whose behaviour is exacerbated by this isolation. My own parents are grappling with worry, boredom and isolation, but have to shield themselves due to their vulnerabilities.
It’s just a terrible time for people and on my strong days I take everything in my stride. On those not-so-strong-days, it’s all I can do not to fall apart.
